Clandestine heart.

Friday the 13th.

2010-08-13T18:15:00.003+08:00

It's been ages since i've blogged. Spiderwebs and cobwebs everywhere. Stale.

We fought today. I know im the one who started it. I know i don't mind him sleeping back after i wake him up. But today, i felt upset all of a sudden. Shima told me that i look horrible on the way to school. Went to the toilet and just tie my hair. Haa.

We've been together for almost a year. Rocks here and there bound to appear every now and then. From what i heard that is. Yes, yes. It's my fault. Maybe it's because we never communicate like how we used to?

Maybe.

I remember last year's fasting month.

Me and him.

Would webcam with each other from night until sahur. After sahur we went to sleep. This had become a routine. He would always makes me blush for no reason. *smiles*

Currently, text messages are not so frequent as the past, webcams have been rare, phone calls not made.

I miss him.

The him that would make me blush.

The him that would always make me happy and brings me to laughter,

The him that would give me surprise hugs.

The him that would always pat and kiss my head as a loving gesture.

The him that would hold my hands to make me feel warm, safe and secure.

The him that would normally shy to kiss me.

I miss you, Muhammad Irfan.

Blessing.

2010-05-20T14:25:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since i've blogger. It's been rotting since the last time that i post an entry. Haa.

Life has never been great.

Great friends.

Wonderful boyfriend. (:

I just can't help but being happy.

Though sometimes there are ups and downs, we managed to pull through. Fights and misunderstanding do occurs at times. But you will feel the relieved when those are gone.

Cherish your friends are love ones. Every moment you spend time with them is a blessing.

That is why, i cherish him very much. It is a blessing. Though time is not on my side for now as he has a job, moments i spent with him will be enjoyed to the fullest. (:

I love you Mohammad Irfan Bin Ali

(:

2010-04-12T08:24:00.004+08:00

Hearing and seeing you say it individually means something.

But hearing and seeing you say I love you at the same time means everything. It justs makes my heart and stomach flutter with butterflies.

With your cute smile and laughter, with that messy hair and droopy eyes.

With your hugs and kisses are warm and makes me tingly, with that hot-temper of your's and and your silly lame jokes.

It makes me understand you more and making me love you more as each day passes.

Some people may think or see that you're unperfect. But to me you are. Cause that is who you are and not acting like someone that you are not.

But im happy enough that you're with me and are able to put up with certain of my rough ways. And i respect you for that. Though you sometimes could be a bit childish at certain times. *grins*

Today is your first day of school. And i hope that you'll have fun there kay? (: Don't forget to study instead of playing games only uh. If not. Hahaha.

Left forgotten.

2010-04-02T14:10:00.002+08:00

Great.

Just great.

Put down the phone on me.

Can't wait to hang-up on me isit? Can't wait to have at least me to say a simple, 'bye.'?

I waited for him online for almost half an hour, till i fell asleep. Waiting for him to nudge me or something, or even text me. In the end, I get to know that he went out. It's not that i don't let him.

The thing is, he could even forgot about me.

Yes, he did say sorry. But who couldn't be angry, sad disappointed when you're being left hanging there. Being forgotten?

*sigh*

2010-02-16T03:41:00.000+08:00

And yeah.

I cried.

Losing my mind.

2010-02-16T03:30:00.003+08:00

I asked him, 'What's wrong?'.

He replied, 'I just feel moody.'.

Eveything i did to make him laugh, make him smile doesn't seems to work. Im trying real hard to at least make him smile, laugh, or at least talk to me rather than being quiet.

But it seems that it does not affect him. Well, it affected me. Making me feel~, sad, like crying. It's stressful.

Texting all day with him, he sounds happy and his cheery self is there. But online and webcamming, he seems stressful. Did i do something wrong?

He just says that he is stress because of the journey that i would take to expo then back to East Coast Park. I say that i don't mind because i insist. That should take away his worry right?

But he is still moody. It's stressful you know to try to make a joke and in the end, *crick, crick*.
Many ways that i've tried. Nothing, and he is still moody. And my eyes is beginning to tear up. To a point that i seriously didn't know what to do.

Fuck.

Bored.

2010-01-30T23:03:00.004+08:00

Im effing bored since i woke up. I didn't really have anything to do today. Just wake up and use my lappy all the way. Websites here, websites there. Sheesh. Just staring at my lappy like nobody business.

Well, my mum is in a good mood today. I think. She suddenly asked me to watch television with her at her room. Then i just accepted her offer and went to her room of course, since i should at least give her credit in wanting us to be closer. *smiles*

Well, while watching the malay news with her, saw ny sister's face on screen. *laughs* She is perfoming for the Suria's thing or whatever it is called.

And now, sayang just reached home. And we are quarelling about what i said. But playfully though. We are laughing through our webcams. *grins* plus *laughs*

Funny eh? Hahaha!

Sick.

2010-01-18T12:20:00.003+08:00

Feeling sick was one of the worst feeling EVER. Im suffering right now in school. Sneezing here and there. Feeling faint.

Stress maybe?
Maybe so.

Think too much?
Definitely.

Jump to conclusion?
Utmost a yes.

I guess it was about our fight last night. I could barely sleep. But sickness took me over and brought me into hell-land. Where nightmares becomes reality, and dreams becomes a fantasy.

Where are you?

2010-01-15T00:35:00.001+08:00

He's not home yet.

Im worried. It is almost 12.30am.

Where are you?

Don't you know how worried i am?

):

You're mine.

2010-01-14T15:29:00.004+08:00

This guy here uh. Always makes my blood rushed faster in my veins.
But not because of anger,
But because of how he can make my stomach feel butterflies.
How he can make my heart beat faster with every hug, touch and kiss.
How he can make my cheeks go red easily.
He allures me and makes my life more exciting and adventurous in many possible ways.
How did you do that?
What have you done to me to make me feel this way?
But the thing is, it's addicting. Addicting of it like a drug.
i love it.
And im glad you're mine.

I love you as high as the sky and the stars.

Cravings.

2010-01-14T14:52:00.003+08:00

I have this craving so bad that it is killing me.

Swensens.

I've never been there.

I've never eaten there before.

I've never even left a small germ or footprint in there.

I've never even touch the ice-cream parlour outside it.

Everyone's been there, at least once.

Even a small kid had gone in.

What about me? *sigh*

Another craving that i have currently.

Shisha.

It's been quite some time that i have been to Haji Lane.

The last time i went there was during my birthday with Sayang, Apai, Solomon, Ali, and Farhan.

When can i go again?

Everytime i ask anyone, they would say they were busy.

So, can i go alone?

Im craving for it.

Shisha-ing all day long. What fun i will have. *grins*

No troubles, no worries, nothing. Free~

Ohh ya, i was bored after my presentation and look what i had found.

I was bored and just type my name on yahoo.com. Go to the images, and there i was! When i was a small kid, having a recital competition. *laughs* I can't believe that my picture is actually there. Nyahaha. Ohh well.

2010.

2010-01-01T01:37:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year to everyone out there.

2010

May

2010-01-01T01:32:00.003+08:00

I easily jumped to conclusions. That is my major mistakes in life. It affects everyone. Greatly. Their moods and their feelings. It may wavers.

What have i done?

Great Day.

2009-12-29T01:10:00.003+08:00

Im happy. *smiles*

I met him. We had fun. *grins* The jokes we share, the stories we share. And the 'brinjal'. Hehh.

As days goes by, my misses for him grows. My love for him grows. It feels like im floating with happiness. And i won't trade it for anything in the world. That's for sure.

Meemu~, even if i just saw you a few hours back, im starting to miss you badly. ):

Well, missing ASAP very much. All seemed busy nowadays. Have to meet up when everyone's free alright guys? :D

Lesser.

2009-12-27T03:11:00.002+08:00

It seems like we are fighting.

For what reason? Im not too sure myself about what exactly.

It seems like these past few days, i felt different. I see that things are not how it used to be.

The laughter. The smiles. The lame jokes that are given. All have becoming lesser and lesser.

That is why a few days ago, i make him promise. Promise to smile often.

Im worried about our relationship. Very. It just keeps my mind thinking. But i don't know what exactly. He seemed moody these past few days. He seemed kinda, bored? His usual cheery face seems missing.

Did i do something wrong along the way?
Did i so some mistakes?
Did i hurt him by any way?
*sigh* I felt like crying.

What a day.

2009-12-24T00:30:00.003+08:00

I feel that im not myself today.

Easier said, im down.

My negative aura is too strong that i was amazed by what the people surrounding me does.

In the toilet, currently ematting negative aura, people actually leave the toilet. Not just leave, but dashed. When i look into the mirror, i realised why they had run.

My eyes was pure black. Black with anger, sadness, frustration. All at once. I sighed and went outside to cool off the feeling.

Met him late. His negative aura was strong the moment i saw him on his doorstep. Too strong. From there, i did not make any eye-contact with him. It's not that i don't want to. But i just can't. I felt too guilty after what i have done. Being late. Again. Countless of times. *sigh* During his silat training, i somehow felt uncomfortable since i don't know his friends. Getting scolded by him. *sigh* Hence, sitting from afar. Being safe.

Being safe from what?
From fear.

Im sorry. Im sorry im like this. Im sorry i can't adapt to new people. Im sorry i make you angry. Im sorry i didn't listen to you. Im sorry for being stubborn. Like what you said. Yes, it hurts sometimes. But i couldn't blame you. I blame myself. For being, me. This rebellious stubborn person. Sometimes i wonder why i am like this. Maybe to those bad memories of my upbringing? The negativity of it?
Maybe.

I just don't know why i can't adapt to new people. But i know i could adapt to certain people. I don't know how i knew it, but i just did. Im such a weird person.

Another thing. On the way home, being disturbed by 3 fucking matreps. Fucking irritating, that i blew my top off them. People living nearby stuck out the heads by their windows just to see the commotion. Think free uh? Pay tax you know. Ish.

Overall,
Negative aura that just can't stop ematting from me
Guilty
Getting scolded
Matreps = Kene maki

What a day ey?

Imperfections.

2009-12-22T00:42:00.005+08:00

Imperfections.

That can be said as most girls fears.
They fear that if their imperfections are showed to their loved ones, they might think that they are ugly and that they turn them off, thus, chasing them away.

As for me, even when he said that i am pretty after we discussed about it, i still feel cautious.
Very cautious.
Well, i am a girl. And a girl would always want to look flawless. And their best.
The think is, im not. Thus, when my imperfections are revealed, i felt embarrassed, insecure. As if im naked and bare for the whole world to see.

Even if im a tomboy, i still want to look my best. Even though with my jersey and shorts that i always wear.
True, i don't wear those skirts, dresses, whatsoever that is feminine. But, i still want to have the feeling that im flawless, pretty. Like those pictures in those stupid magazines that i saw in whatever shops. The only feminine thing that is probably with me was my figure, long wavy hair, small button nose, average-size breast (sweatdrop), and compact powder. Sheesh.

But trying to be pretty is just not my thing. It's just, ridiculous. Trying to be pretty. Pfft. That is what i would call, PLASTIC. Plain PLASTIC. Like those stupid barbies. Haaaa.

And what do i fear?
Him.
Running away.

Missing you.

2009-12-07T23:23:00.011+08:00

*sigh*

Where are you now sayang?

What are you doing?

I just keep worrying about you.

It has been two days since he left. He'll be back in Singapore for another two days. I can't believe that im having a hard time adapting to not seeing him since i almost met him almost everyday.

I cried.

I had a hard time sleeping.

I hug the bear as tightly as i can.

I browse his pictures remembering how he would often smile and laugh at those stupid lame jokes that i gave him.

Easier said, i miss him.

I miss him alot.

I miss his smile.

I miss his infectious laughter.

I miss his intoxicating scent.

I miss his comforting hugs.

I miss his soft kisses.

I miss his tingling touch.

Well, currently waiting for him to call. I understand that he can only make one or two calls, as an overseas call can be quite expensive. Even if you use it for a short period of time.

I just wait patiently for him to come back home. (:

Meemu - Sayang~, I Love You.

Praying for his safe journey.

2009-12-04T22:57:00.005+08:00

He's leaving.
Tomorrow.
To Langkawi with his family.
For four days.

Four freaking days. I'll be alone. Not really alone. But what i meant was relationship-wise. Just now at RC was the last time that i'll be seeing his face, LIVE. But on the other hand, i can still see his face through pictures. *grins*

I can't see him off to the airport tomorrow as i'll be working in the afternoon till night. In the morning, i have to go to Lavender with my dad to renew my passport for my family's vacation trip to Langkawi. Ironic right? His family and my family. Both families planned to go to Langkawi. But on different dates of course. Mine was stiil in 2 weeks later on the 16th of December. Souveniours for all! *grins* Don't worry.

Well, i hope i won't cry when he's gone. Which i almost did just now when seeing him for the last time before he went overseas. Work and studying on Sunday with Nadzir can keep me occupied. Monday, lepak with ASAP Family will keep me occupied. And by the time it was Tuesday, he'll be back.

Easy right?
I guess i'll see how i take it.

Praying for him and his family a very safe and successful trip and vacation. Hope that he will have fun and don't keep thinking and worrying about me.

Know why? Cause he tends to worry too much. Sayang~ don't worry. Im safe and sound. *laugh* Don't be stress and just have fun there kay! (: Take alot and alot of pictures horr. I want to see it. Nyahaha.

And i'll miss you.
I'll miss you alot.

Outing Planning.

2009-11-29T22:56:00.003+08:00

Im happy! Things have been great so far. Interesting things happen in my life. I couldn't ask for more.

Sayang

ASAP Family

RC Clan

Bestfriends

Bestfriends
Well, me and Rais is actually planning an outing during the holidays. It has been quite awhile since me, him and Hidayu met together and chit-chatting all those lame jokes. Met him on my birthday in the bus incidentally. It brought all of those good memories that all three of us had.

Me and Rais plan to have an outing to Sentosa and have a picnic! Can't wait for that day to come. But we are not sure whether to bring our partners over. Since both of then have not met sayang yet, and neither does he. Rais seems to be in a relationship now. *wink, wink* Hidayu is still with Yan. *oooo~* *laughs*

So, it's either three of us or six of us. Whatever it is, i miss them. The jokes and laughter that we had. *grins*

ASAP Family
ASAP Family is also planning an outing. But we do not know yet. Hopefully we plan out something soon.

Sayang
Sayang~ meet him everyday. Never get tired of meeting him, even though both of us know that we had to meet for a short time during weekdays because of school. As each day passes, my feelings grew. Well, doing a present for him actually. I wonder if he likes it.

RC Clan
Planning a Shisha outing! Chey~ All 15 of us. Hopefully, all would be present. This would be our second outing and insyallah it would be great.

Huhuhu~ Now waiting for sayang to get back home. He should be done by now since it is already past 11. Missing him alot. ):

Scared.

2009-11-09T04:03:00.004+08:00

Today have been cranky. God knows why. *sigh*

Somehow, i feel that his words.. Have become harsher, short and sharp. Different than before. I began to wonder, "Am i such a bore?"

I was kinda cranky. Maybe due to the fact that i have been feeling that we are not close as before. We never really talk as much as we did in the past. Where we talked non-stop. I never really smile today because this feeling is getting into me. Getting into my head.

Im scared. Really scared. Scared of losing him. Scared that my heart would break again.

Im sorie that imagination runs wild. I love you. I do. But sayang, if you love me, show it. Then i won't have the feeling that i have let you down.

Im scared here.

Short Post.

2009-10-31T17:40:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time since i have updated my blog, yeah? *laughs* Well, been busy with ASAP Family and Sayang. (: Also with exams coming up next week. *sigh*

Well, here i am at Solomon's father's Coffeeshop near the Causeway Checkpoint. Met sayang under his block until 4pm. Off we went to his house, for him to wash-up for awhile and went to this place. Solomon just arrived here. Yay! At least got someone to accompany me. Hehh. Rather than me being alone with my laptop. Which i just checked got nothing to do with it. Movies, boring, Facebook, tak kuase. *sigh*

Solomon treat me nasi ayam. Must remember to pay him back for all those times that i lent money from him. Esspecially the bus fare. Saw sayang doing work. Can see that he is feeling quite tired and frustrated. Solomon can see that too. Hang in there kay sayang. (: I love you.

Cranky.

2009-10-20T17:08:00.007+08:00

Was feeling kinda cranky today. Wake-up call from my dad was the worst thing that could happen in the morning. Pushing me down to the floor just to wake me up? Sheesh. Who wouldn't be angry right? Cranky and moody came right into me. Sister's nagging after that doesn't help. AT ALL. Groggily wake up and remembered that i have to wake sayang up. Called him and the voice that i heard was kinda weird. I thought it was his dad or brother. But it actually was him. He actually played a trick on me. Ish. Pissed off and my mood came right down in an instant.

Going to school in my mum's car was another headache. Keep lecturing me about this and that, which i never really cared about. Lying down and trying to take a nap was difficult due to her nagging. Which i finally gave up and tune her out.

School was okay as per normal. Except the module today is the one which i despise the most. Maths. Which i don't fucking understand until the last minute. And the fucking faci chose me to answer his question to what we have fucking presented. Fucker. Felt sleepy throughout the day. After presenting, fold arms, legs up, lying on my chair, cover my face with my friend's jacket and sleep. Off to lala-land. To which i jerk awake when it was my faci's turn to present his 6th presentation.

Sayang also seems busy and cranky today. His text messages was kinda short unlike other days. *sigh* Wonder what is always in his mind. He seemed quiet and reserved these past few days. But i can't complain. I realised that my text messages are also short today. Blame on the crankiness. PMS i think. *laughs*

Currently waiting for him for another hour and a half plus 5 mins more until he arrived. Ray and diana are coming here in a few moments. But i don't think they have the time to come down here since Ray had something to do. The rest of the ASAP family are busy today. Liza meeting Ben and Arin at ITE Dover, Trisha working, Nadzir and Zhafran had a talk. *sigh*

And right now, got two idiots standing in front of me from just now, walking back and forth for no reason and kept looking at me. What see, see uh. Fuckers. Go die and fuck your own mother for hell's sake.

My words are kinda harsh and are full of critics today. Im sorry about that. :( Im a train-wreck today. Ish.

What a day. What a day.

Bored.

2009-10-18T13:11:00.003+08:00

Im bored at home currently. Sayang, i think went back to sleep again since he work last night and will be working again later at night too. Probably he's tired. Asked parents again whether i could go to Esplanade with Di, Haiqal and Afiq. A definite 'NO!' was their answer. Sheesh. Bored, bored, bored. I want smoke. But no cigarettes. Aiyaa~ *animetears*

Anyway, my grandma is staying here for the night. Cause my mum's maid has gone home for 1 week plus i think. And my mum's siblings have been taking turns to take care of grandma until the maid returns this coming Thursday. The good thing is, my mum can't get to scold me even though i came home late, i think. Cause she is here. Hehh. *grins*

Let's talk about something random since im so bored. Let's talk about the weather. The weather was quite warm this past few days. The clouds that are covering the sun is not helping any tiny bit. The heat waves was like almost feeling as if i was in an oven. Warm~ Cold water doesn't help to quench my thirst. Felt like going for a swim. *sigh*

And im still bored. Facebook is already so bored. Always the same thing. Staring at my screen like some gundoo right now. I want to go out and take some fresh air. My mistake, take some warm, fresh air. Sheesh. *sweatdrop*

Thinking too much.

2009-10-15T10:14:00.004+08:00

Well, here i am in the school library. Came late for school which i have just arrived. Might as well skip the lesson for the day. Only for today! *smirk* Go out from my house at 7.45am. Liza texted and also said she was late. The thing is, me too. *laughs* Walking towards the bus-stop, sleepy. Reach there around 8am and the fucking bus reached at 8.20am. Go fuck the gas station and dielah.

Waking up this morning and reading my text messages gave me the shock of my life. Okay, i lied. Gave me the shock of my life for today. What he texted make me think about a million times. Okay, i lied. Again. Thinking about alot of time. Wonder why he would say that. And up until now, my head is spinning like wildfire thinking about what he would say later on when i meet him.

Sometimes i kinda hate myself. I do foolish stuffs. I do stupid things making people frustrated and angry. I never think before i act. And mostly, i think, i think too much. Until sometimes i get a migrain and felt my my brain is gonna explode. *sigh* My imagination is too wild that sometimes i can't think straight. Aiyaa~ It has gone wild.

Will it be my downfall? Only God knows.

Ouch.

2009-10-13T10:26:00.006+08:00

After the doctors'. With an eye-patch. Sheesh. *sigh*

On the way to the doctor's.

Sunday morning is where this thing started. My right eye was being banged by my room door while i was clumsily opening it in a hurry to went to the bathroom. *sweatdrop* Yeah, it did hurts, obviously. But i didn't think to much about it, thinking that the pain would be gone soon or the day after.

Yesterday when i woke up groggily, i felt something different about myself. When i looked at myself in the mirror, i saw that my right eye was 1/4 close. Thinking positively, i thought that it was just a blood clot from the day before. So i just brushed it off. The day went as per normal. Until it was lepak time with my ASAP Family. Liza told me that my eye was getting worst. But i just told her, maybe it swell because of the blood clot. But at night time, sayang told me that my eye was getting worst, i felt around on my eye and looked into my reflection. It did swelled! Almost half of my right eye was closed. Ish.

Now here i am, at home. Not going to school as last night, my dad asked me to go to the clinic today to get my eye checked. Woke up this morning at my right eye totally can't open. Forced it to open and i winced in pain. Sheesh. Doesn;t help when the doctor forced my eye open, also using that damn torchlight that made my eyes water. *sigh* And now, wearing an eye-patch. Like some pirate wanna-be. Aye-aye captain! *sarcastic*

Sky.

2009-10-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

I miss you.

sigh

2009-10-10T13:32:00.003+08:00

Bummer. This week have been quite hectic. Problems here and there, that when everytime i would think about it, i would get a migrain. *sigh* Problems that i won't mention here as it was confidential. Many things are.

Just get a scolding by my mum last night. HUGE scolding, until she got threaten me to kick me out of the house. It happened before anyway. Not surprising there. Making sayang worried had become ME worrying for him. He blames himself that i would always get a scolding from my mum because i am home late. But honestly, i am the one to blame cause i, myself WANT to be home late. Want to spend more time with him mahh. And also, my house is like a bird trapped in a cage. Now, who would want that? Right?

I know im not good in words. I always do things without thinking, hurting other people's feelings. I talked what i have in mind, being straight-forward. But my actions, it speaks louder than words. And i hope that people would understand that.

Sorry.

2009-10-06T01:37:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, i felt like cussing myself on and on and on. Doing things without actually thinking is my way of life i guess. That was my utmost downfall in all of my past relationships. And i can say that i was afraid right now. Really afraid.

Afraid of being hated by him, yes. Afraid of being scolded and lectured by him, yes. Afraid of losing his love, now that is a definite yes.

I was swearing to myself from just now, until he told me that he was embarrassed. *sigh* I never even thought of what he would felt. Some good person i am, aren't i. Yeah, piece of shit.

Here i am, almost getting into a fight again, which i actually hoped we would not. What a person, Zakiyyah. What a person.

Sky.

2009-10-04T01:30:00.004+08:00

Words can't be described how much i love this person.

He coloured my life till the feeling that i always have is being loved and HAPPY.

He never failed to make me happy, laugh and at the same time bringing my life a little bit of spicyness. =x

You know this feeling won't go away, this i promise you.

Sayang~ I love you. (:

Bad start.

2009-09-29T13:04:00.003+08:00

*sigh* What a day to start of with. Wake up like cold water being splashed on my face from Apai's text. Next, sayang texted me. Seems kinda nice to start a day with a friend's message and also from the one you have feelings for. But it seems like it was going downhill.

Father scolded me upside down cause i always seemed to came home late and furthermore, i have been going out continuosly for the past few days. It didn't help when i was seeking comfort with sayang, he threw his tantrums at me without any reason. And to make matters worst, he was kinda cranky at that point of time. Making me more miserable than i am already am. What a bad timing Zakiyyah, What a bad timing indeed.

Today, i was supposed to go out with him, Apai and Ali go jalan raye with them since they had invited me yesterday. But due to father's scolding and such, i have to stay at home, like a caged bird. But it is good in a way though. It helps me sit down and think. Apologize Apai so many times, cause i can't make it at the last minute. *sigh* Walau, i make three groups of people unhappy today. What a loser i am.

And wow, what such beautiful day is this. *sarcastic*

Now, i am the one who is getting cranky. Very, very cranky. Fuck.

27th Spetember 2009.

2009-09-29T00:31:00.002+08:00

On the 27th September 2009. Wow. :p

It was one of those days that i would remember for a long, long time.

Things happen. Wonderful things happens. It was fun, of course.*grins*

It keeps on replaying in my mind like a smooth record that had been polished everyday. It had never occured to me that it would happen. Words are spoken, actions are spoken. And the more i think about it, ..... =x

Come to think of it, the more i see him, the more my heart beats faster, the more i will miss him when he's away, the more i love him everyday as each day passes. (: I thanked God that i have met such a wonderful person who is now by my side.

Hello. (:

2009-09-26T22:21:00.004+08:00

Wake up around 12.30pm by my dad's constant wake-up call, slapping my butt while at it. *sweatdrop* Ish.

Being half asleep, wake up and hug the pooh tightly, imagining it was him. If it was really him, i think he died of suffocation. *hehh* Went toilet, do the stuffs that i need to and get ready to go out raye-ing with my family. Which is damn last minute. Fuck.

Funny thing is that, when i wear my undergarments and look into the mirror. I literally sweatdrop at the sight that i saw. Both undergarments in black, face only contained compact powder with lip balm, and my hair which is wavy streamed down my shoulder. I looked like a stupid fucking model. Which i hated. And it seriously doesn't help when my left hand was at my hips, right hand was holding my handphone, texting sayang and pouting at what he text me. Seriously. Stupid fucking model. Look like one of those FHM models. Eww~~

Oh well, then off to jalan raye. Plan to meet him at his hometown if i have the time, but it seems that both of us doeesn't. Both families jalan raye. So we postponed to meet tomorrow instead. And hopefully, i'll get to see him. See his smile, hear his laughter, smell his cologne, feel his skin and taste his lips. =x *cheeky smile*

Brother's Birthday Outing.

2009-09-25T01:02:00.004+08:00

Sayang. >.<

Brother.

Siblings.

You know, you know, you know.

Went out with sayang and younger brother to celebrate my brother's birthday. We planned to watch a movie either at Vivovity or Causeway Point. So, we met at an area in front of Civics went off to Banquet to eat. Hungry~~ But at last, brother never eat cause he said that he was full. *sweatdrop* Nevermind. Save my money. Nyahaha. *evil~*

At last, we make a decision and decided on Vivocity as the movies at Causeway Point was not that great. Some more, my brother is only 14, cut movies here and there and left only 3. Ish. So unlucky number. But mum called and scolded me upside down. Grr. Changed of plans and just opted for the movie, 'White Out', which was actually kinda boring. *sigh* Have fun though. Pinch his stomach and poke his belly button. Heee~

But before watching the movie, we went around the mall finding my brother's present. Which i really dreaded actually since me and sayang hated shopping. For me, DETEST UH! Ish. But i promised him that i will bought for him the two 'Dickies' T-shirts that he want. *grins*

But the best part today is that; Finally! I managed to say it. Managed to say those three words that had been stuck in my throat for almost 21 months. I felt relieved. But mostly, i felt happy. Like really, really, happy. And i dare to say it.

Sayang, i love you. (:

Sick.

2009-09-19T20:41:00.005+08:00

Sick.

The last day of fasting and im sick. *sigh* Waking up late at 4 plus and my room started to spin. *double sigh* Waking up and feel woozy really doesn't start my day great. Rub-rub eyes and walau, migrain came rushing in like sugar rush in high speed. And mind you, i was shivering like one naked person who is stranded in Antartica. Bring my blankets, bantal busuk, Winnie The Pooh that he bought for me and my handphone to the living room and lie down and called him.

While on the phone with him, i was trying to refrain myself from sneezing and coughing. Cause i know he would be worried or he may asked me to sleep. Again. Which i have been sleeping for almost 12 hours.

And now here i am, just finishing listening to the Takbir on the radio. Still feeling the migrain and almost feeling faint. Sneezing here coughing there. Aiyaa~ How to Raye lehh tomorrow. *laughs* Hopefully would feel better tomorrow. If sick uh, ish. I want to karate the people upstairs. Selalu *drill noise* here, *drill noise* there. Doesn't make it feel better. *Haiyaaaaaakk~~!* Flying all the way to Japan uh. Nyahahahahahaha! *evil~~!*

And now. Take panadols. Again. Sheesh. *sigh*

BBFs.

2009-09-17T00:48:00.002+08:00

To my BBFs, Hidayu and Rais.

I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU TOO! (:

Must catch up on a lot of things horr. Interesting things happen in my life. ;D

I love you BFFs.

Th day i would never forget. (:

2009-09-14T23:44:00.004+08:00

You know, you know, you know.

He make my day again yesterday. *grins* It keeps replaying in my mind over and over again. I can't help but to smile like one idiotic person at home. And my blush uh. Ish. I don't want to say it. But he knows though. He always knows. (:

Thanks to Mai and An, i can actually make my final decision. I can't help but be relieved from it.

Yesterday was the day that i knew i would remember it for a long time. Most of the RC Clan was there except for some who couldn't make it. So there was roughly around 9 people. We break our fast at Simpang Bedok there which i never knew it actually existed in the first place. *grins*

But before that, me, him, Mai and Ayid went to meet Yat at Eastpoint to buy the birthday cake for Suhailah. There was when all of it started. Talk, talk, talk and it lead me to hug him first. *blush* Yeah. I hid my face in his chest, embarrassing. Cause, i did make the first move. Luckily he response to it. If not, seriously died of embarrassment. Continued hugging *grins* until the bus-stop where we took the bus back to Simpang Bedok.

The area at Simpang Bedok was damn packed. Ordering food had been seriously making my blood boil. The waiting i tell you, ISH! Bla, bla, bla. We surprised Suhailah by showing her the cake that we bought. Funny thing is, Sky asked her to take out the candle holder with pnly her mouth. Damn hilarious. Eat here, eat there. Pictures here, pictures there. Smoke here, smoke there. And we're off.

In the bus, was where all the hilarious thing happens. They were all laughing like one idiot group, acting like the bus is theirs. *laughs* Funny. Making fun of each other had been their routine when we have an outing. Different outing, diferent things to laugh at. GEREK! Me, as usual, sitting beside him, holding hands and him hugging me. Chey. Even though i was wearing my cardigan, it was still pretty cold. And him, being the nice gentleman he is, *heee~* lend me his blazer. I think that was what it is. But i can see that he is cold, and i can't help feeling guilty. So, i rubbed his hands to warm him up. *grins*Not taking advantage uh! Chey. *laughs* I wonder if it helps him.

Changing bus to 960 at Bugis. Interesting things happen, which definitely make my day happier. We, as usual holding hands and cuddling.

HE: "Miss me or not?"

ME: "You should know what."

HE: "No, i don't know. Tell me"

ME: "Yes."

HE: "Yes what?"

ME: " Yes, i miss you."

And of course i hid my face in his chest. Things led to another. Took up my courage and kiss him on the cheek. Then, hide again. He was shocked i guess. *laughs* Then kiss him again. Then, hide again. I can feel that my cheeks are getting warmer by the minute. Hugging him, makes me feel happy and loved. Chey. I didn't realise that the distance between uh is getting closer. He was rubbing my lips with his thunb. Ended up, i get an unexpected kiss from him. On the lips. =x I was blushing on the spot like one ripe tomato. Shocked, then hide my face again. But smiling like one lunatic. *laughs* And hug him tighter. Even if both us does not know we both are, i feel content and happy. Before i get down to my stop, he kissed me.

I kissed him back and was blushing and smiling like one lunatic.
Wo xiang ni. (:

Grins.

2009-09-11T01:11:00.002+08:00

We hold hands. Today. *grins* I was blushing like one kind. Ish. Lucky he didn't see it as the corridor we were walking was not so bright.

Happy. Happy. Happy. :)

But a little bit of blushing. Okay, i lied. Alot. *sheepish smile*

HE BLUSHED! :)

2009-09-10T03:01:00.003+08:00

It all started with a simple quiz that i had found in the internet. Feeling stressed up about the answers, i gave up and instead asked him to take. He asked questions from the quiz that we end up laughing like two crazy hyenas at night. *laughs*

After taking the quiz and talked about those questions, he said that he want to ask me something.

HE: I don't know how to ask. But it is already in my mind.

ME: Is it the questions from the quiz?

HE: Not really from the quiz lah. But can say something to do with it.

ME: Haha! I see, i see. Just ask.

HE; You know we skip a step right?

ME: Ah.

HE: So, i was wondering if it is possible if we hold hands when we go out together?

He was BLUSHING! First time sia i saw him blush. *laughs* So cute and innocent like one Scottish Fold. *grins* After my response. there he goes, smiling away with his dimple showing. :) 5 mins later, smiling. 10 mins later, STILL smiling. And of course, i smiled back and started to tease him. Hehh. *evil~*

But you guessed it. I say YES. :)

Black.

2009-09-07T03:14:00.003+08:00

*sigh* embarassing. Deeply embarassing. Pissed off was there too. But he just stated the fact. It's not his fault anyway.

Trying to keep a calm face in front of him while webcamming. I guess he knows that im a little bit stone and neutral. A little bit off, can say. No heart to scold him, no heart to lecture him, no heart to tell what i really feel about it. *sigh*

Now thinking back on what he say reminds me of that time he text me about what he did in the past. Can say that fear and also anger at the same time started to rise again. Anger i can understand it would soon wore off after i went for a walk tomorrow and smoke my lungs off till it turns black. But now.

Now, how am i to overcame that fear.

Heartless.

2009-09-04T06:50:00.003+08:00

Leaving me speechless after finding out was one thing. But vomitting after that? I didn't even expect it. Never felt overpowering emotions with so much force that resulted me in throwing up my last night's food content.

Just 4 hours ago he told me. And the message kept replaying in my mind like thousands of buzzing bees swarming. Yes, im angry. Angry till the point that i don't even know what to say. *sigh* But honestly speaking, i don't even have the heart to scold him. I would not know what to say. I mean, i have no right whatsoever. It IS his life, not mine. And also the fact that i still have feelings for him.

Realising that he did not reply to my messages, make me realise that i am cruel. To the point where i could be called, HEARTLESS. I guess i realised a little too late of what Nashri actually means.

"You always cared about yourself. You never think of the other's feelings. You always want everything to follow your way. You never THINK!"

Come to think of it, i think it is actually true. I never think of what he might feel. I just shoot blindly towards him to the point that i never thought of the consequences. I didn't think that just expressing what you felt to the other person held so many consequences. So many flaws. That is why i should keep eveything bottled up like i always do right? This time, it is a definite right.

*sigh* What have i done?
Sky, im sorie.

Shy.

2009-08-30T00:40:00.004+08:00

Friday is the day when all of us at last get together. New members, old members. Together. It has been a while that all of us sat together and had a serious talk. That day is the day where all the issues and going-on have been exposed.

Ridzwan and Hakeem planned and talked to all of us that it was time that all of us get to know each other better as all of us rarely come together like that day. One by one have to give their point of view on what is happening and to reply to all the issues that we had. It was, can say from my point of view, very stressful. Where i know that about relationship issues, i had a big part of it.

But that day itself actually make my day. Happy. He was there. We did not talked as much when we were chatting or webcamming. What i can say is that, i started to feel shy when i was him. *laughs* I don't knowlah how to say it. But, i felt happy that he was there. But the one thing that i was shocked is that he told everyone that he had fallen for me. Everyone's expression, shocked.

But one thing for sure, i told him that, 'Actions speaks louder than words'. So i hope that he took that words seriously.

Abandoned.

2009-08-01T00:38:00.003+08:00

You know. I just felt afraid that we would not be close anymore after this whole issue. Before this issue occured, that issue really never crossed my mind. So, i was quite surprised by it actually when i have found out. If i could, i would never had talked to you two about what i felt. Now, feeling guilty and you guys really not talking to me makes me feel..i don't know. Abandoned?

I just hope. Hope really hard that all of us would treat each other like how it was before. But it seems that it would not happen. It's okay. I will just keep hoping. Until everything returns back to normal. Hopefully.

Stressed up.

2009-07-31T00:08:00.002+08:00

Is it wrong for me to be stressed up? This week must be one of the worst week i have had for my entire life. Now, every Tuesdays would remind me of one of the stressed up things i had in mind. There are a total of more than 3 problems that day. But not only that, more problems are adding up from that day. Up until now. I don't even know how to handle all of the problems and how to solve them one by one.

Venting my frustration by punching the wall before reaching home was the only way to prevent myself from having a migrain and shouting out loud. Bearing the pain is what im familiar with. Bearing another or a new pain is so familiar that i think that it is already being attached to my life.

Since Tuesday, i kind of felt awkward and upset at the same time. Even if that issue is over and being discussed with, i felt guilty. So bad that i become stressed up and cried over the issue. I had observed that in my opinion, they seemed to not want to communicate with me. Am i such a horrible friend? Sister?

For the first time, i felt overwhelming anger. Anger at myself. I shouldn't be close to anyone. For the millionth time that i say that. But it seems to me that, it is like, why people be close to me at the first. But as the days goes by, everyone is drifting away. Ignoring. Am i beoming invisible or something? Am i such a bore to the extent that no one seemed to be willing to talk with. What's wrong with me? Tell me.

And Nashri, im sorry that i throw much frustration and stressed up moments on you. I make it up to you somehow kay? :)

A listening ear.

2009-07-26T00:40:00.003+08:00

I just want to say many 'Thanks' to Afiq for listening me out on Friday night. Despite me being in tears, throwing whatever negative feelings i have and my problems to you, you still lend me a listening ear. Your advices really helped me and realised what kind of mistakes i did. But yeah, really appreciate what you had done for me. *grins*

From what i know, i only have two friends who i can confide to. Afiq and Nashri. Nashri? Yeah, him. Despite my past with him, he still knows me inside and out. Both my weaknesses and strengths. That sometimes, i just can't help but to seek comfort and advices from him. But don't worry, we are only friends now. But sometimes, he can be merepek. A LOT! *sweatdrop*

But nevertheless, i want to thanked both of you. Thanks for hearing me out to my boo-boo and problems. But in any case, you also have some problems, i can lend a listening ear too.

Hidayu and Rais, i wanted to confide in you, my BFFs. But we seemed to be drifting apart. Where are you guys? I miss you. :(

TAITI

2009-07-22T23:35:00.003+08:00

Today's module was quite hilarious actually. The facilitator asked all of the teams to criticize one team that is being selected. Ape lagi! SHOOT! *laughs* Was laughing non-stop.

Oh ya! Today was the day on th eclipse. Fucking raining. Plan to go late to day just to see the eclipse. But then, have a change of plans. Suppose to meet Farhan at 7.30am, but wake up late again. Sheesh. Changed to 7.50. But also late. Heee~ Met him at the longkang with a 'baru bangon' face. Clothes, slekeh like hell. Aiyaa~ I want to see eclipse. Booo~

Rais PM me and ajak me went home with him and Hidayu. But he say that Hidayu went home with her friends. Oh well. In other case, I went home with Rais. And i tell you uh. After a long time on not meeting each other. Jokes and all those crappy stuffs come out one by one sia. We laughed at all those nonsense that we talked about. During the bus-ride, we want to listen to our MP4 also tak menjadi. Still talking about nonsensical stuffs. Fuma-Raseng-Shuriken eh Rais? BAHAHA!

Well, i had a great time with you today. Tapi pelok aku tak ikhlas sia! ISH! *laughs* We should do it more often. But tag Hidayu along kay?

After departing from him, went to meet the rest at the RC. I felt awkward as some of them im not close with. Aww~ But met with Afiq, Di, An and Apai. Before An and Apai arrived, me, Afiq and Di laughed non-stop on the HSM3. Damn funny lahh sei! When they arrived, Afiq and Di went home pulak. Alamaaaaak. But then, but then they teached me play TAITI and STRESS. FUN! (: Thanks guys. For giving me face while playing. Heee~ ^-^ Im not a sore loser eh! But only in NFSMW. *grins*

Sorry.

2009-07-17T00:13:00.006+08:00

Just so you know that i still love you both. Very much. Every now and then i asked myself. "Where are you guys?" But i want to know, if you have found a new bestfriend, what am i?

Been missing those times that we are always together, go jalan-jalan together, talk crap and lame jokes together. Our lameness, crappiness, laughter. Where has it gone to? Don't you guys miss those times? Im sure i do. It's not that i had found other people to entertain me. You guys are still the best. My bestfriends for goodness sake! The one who i can share all my secrets too. My boo-boo, my hurts, my whining, everything. Even to what colour underwear im wearing. Okay, that one tak perlu. *sheepish smile*

But still, i miss you guys. It hurts to see day by day that we are drifting further and further apart. About going to and from school together, i guess that was my mistakes as i couldn't be contacted. MSN fucked things up. Prepaid low. I guess what else can go wrong in my life. You guys hating me? I don't even know. I don't even want to know if that is true. Only GOD will know the answer to this.

Im sorry for every wrong thing that i had done.

Im sorry if i hurt both of your feelings.

Im sorry if i can't be there for you when you need me.

But most of all, Im sorry that i can't be the perfect bestfriend to you guys.

Im sorry.

But still, i love you guys. That matters most to me.

Seek comfort and happiness.

2009-07-16T09:38:00.002+08:00

You know, you know. I somehow felt abandoned. My bestfriends had been MIA for awhile. Never heard from them at all nowadays. Texting Hidayu to inform her about anything, no reply. Rais, it's been almost a week, we never communicate since about the YOG thing. MSN also damn fuck right now. Can't seem to chat with people as it always said that recipient did not received the message. Prepaid low. Ish.

Going to school with Hidayu had been a routine since poly had started. But she did not text me about whether to meet or not. She did not even reply when i said that i maybe late. Both avoiding me perhaps? Joy.

Thus, i always wait for Farhan to go home together to meet the rest as i presume that Hidayu went home with her friends. She seemed to forget about me that day while i was waiting for her for a period of time. Oh well. Anyway, seek fun and happiness with Bo & Bobais everyday after school. They never failed to cheer me up. *grins* It had become a routine that we meet every night to hang-out. It had become already a second family to me. We planned that tomorrow, we will be watching 'Harry Potter'. Can't wait!

Outing.

2009-07-06T00:06:00.003+08:00

Yesterday's outing with brothers and Dee was damn fun! Pictures at facebook. *grins* Some faces uh, stop it sia. *laughs* But some damn nice. Hohoho~ The day was quite fun hanging around with them. The laughs, craps and lame jokes are very humourous that we laughed almost all the time. There was not a time where all of us were not having smiles on their faces.

Dee and Haiqal blanje us Starbucks. Many thanks Dee and Haiqal! *grins* Watching the NDP from the bridge was quite fun and hilarious. We make all sorts all nonsensical stuffs even from the military boats as well as their cannons. Which we say, 'Eh! Eh! Die buat 'O' lah sia!' We repeated it so many times that we laughed so loud, i think people are giving us those stupid faces. *sweatdrop* But overall, it was fun. Love them lah sehh!

Today's 'Kendarat' was quite uneventful overall, in my opinion. Since a few days ago, having those stupid headache migrains again. After yesterday's outing, migrain getting worse. Which leads to today, having a fever. Gosh. What a pain. While working today, HINGOS MELELEH! *sweatdrop* Lucky there are tissue box at every table. If not, I think i die of embarrassment. Daeng was also sick and we sit at the back after 3/4 of work. Somehow. Tissue flown and strewn everywhere. *sweatdrop* Panadols betepek!

Just found out that he had moved on with someone. I think. Never felt so much jealousy until its maximum in my entire life when i saw him becoming close to another. Well, as long he is happy, i give my blessings, which i already told to the girl. That's the most important thing right? Right. As the saying goes, 'Life has its ups and downs.' But for me, i'll reprhase it to a shorter version. 'Feel the burn.' I tried to be selfish, at least for once. But, i just can't. It's not like me. Im not a friendship, relationship, buddy-ship, whatever breaker. I would feel guilty for the rest of my life if that happens. Well, that's how life is. Like i said, Feel The Burn.

Lepak with brothers.

2009-06-27T23:47:00.002+08:00

Today was kinda fun. Wake up from the carpet at 6am due to the blaring noise of my alarm clock cause i must be at Toa Payoh stadiun by 8.30 for the AYG training. I thought it would be tiring as the word 'training' come to mind. But when i reached there. YEK ELEH! Only briefing and walkthrough thoughout the whole day. No lunch was given, only breakfast. And it was only a bun and drink. Boooooo~

But! For lunch, Kak Rohayah treat me, Yusof and Daeng at Fork & Spoon near the stadium. The guys uh, all buy extra rice and chicken for their chicken rice. *sweatdrop* Can't help but laugh at that point of time. As for me, i bought the same as them but only with extra chicken. But, it was very filling. *grins*

Reached home at around 3pm and straight away attacked my bed, teddy bear and bantal busuk. *laughs* Wake up around 8pm due to Yasir's calling. Met the rest at 'playground kecik'. And i tell you, when i hang out with them, you can't help but laugh 24/7! They are very funny people, all the lame jokes come out one by one. Well, what can i say. They are my brothers. I love them! Can't help but always laugh and smile with them. *grins*

H1N1

2009-06-24T22:54:00.003+08:00

Hey, hey! Today was a very hectic but fun day. First thing in the morning, i wake up late. Damn. Also, when want to wear my contact lens took me half an hour. And some more one of my contact lens tear. Double damn. Then have to use my 2 months already expired contact lens. Sheesh.

Communication today was quite fun. We have to ask a few people to do our survey on. Plus, we have took videos of it to have a so called, 'hard evidence.'. *laughs* The fuuny part of the day was when the whole school have a fire drill test and everyone have to evacuate. And! While me and my friends have just went out of the lift, the power system shut down. Fucking hilarious sia that time.

Starting tomorrow until next Wednesday, all year 1 RP students will not be attending school since there is one H1N1 case on one of the year 1 student. Boooooo~ Canoe training on today, tomorrow as well as Saturday would also be cancelled from what i have heard. *sigh*

Since today's training has been cancelled, i went for my course's talk with Rendy to where he play PES and me, sleeping. *grins* Honestly, it bores me. *laughs* After that, met with my cousin to watch Transformer2. The graphics uh i tell you. COOLSHIT SIA! HAHAHAHA! It is a MUST WATCH MOVIE i tell you. *grins*

And now sitting at home, just finishing my homework and all. And me and Arif are trying to call each other via MSN until now to no avail. Booooo~ I think the call option don't like me lah. *laughs* Oh well.

Again, i miss him.

:)

2009-06-21T23:31:00.003+08:00

It's been a few weeks since i updated my blog huh? *laughs* Been busy with schoolwork and all that i have no time to entertain myself. Except playing games and doing quizes at facebook that is. Hohoho~

Well, today have been working 'Kendarat' at Tampines. Reach there quite late, but not that late though, as i have some things to settle first. *laughs* Today's work was quite 'sian', should i say so myself. It is because, the tables today is rectangles instead of the usual round tables. So it was quite frustrating that we have to squeeze our way through the crowd. And also, there are only like a few people so there was not much work today and it was quite a bore that time pass by so slowly. Boooo.

But! But! But! Today he talk and smile at me. :)

When he talked to me, he make me happy. When he smile, he make me happy. Overall, he makes my day. No wonder today when working, i can't help being happy and being lame to the others. *laughs* So sorry to the rest who have to 'layan kan aje'. Heeee. xD Yeah. The thing is, he doesn't even know it. For almost 6 months, i never told him my feelings except his friends. Even if he doesn't acknowledge me, at least he did make my day, without knowing. And i guess, i'll just be content with it. But this just keeps repeating itself. I wonder how long should i wait. Or worst, i have feelings for him, but i can't have him.

Updated.

2009-05-20T21:30:00.004+08:00

Wow! It's been almost two weeks since i have last updated my blog. It has been collecting cobsweb huh? Booooooooo. *laughs*

Well, the reason is because, been busy with schoolwork actually. RP's way of studying was quite different from those other 4 polytechnics. Here in RP, like WHOA! LEPAK SIAAA! *laughs* You know what i did?

Okay. The class starts at 8.30am till 3.30pm. Class started and we had to start solving the problem given. Present it to the facilitator. 1st study break, play counter-strike. 2nd meeting, do more research on the problem given. 2nd study break + lunch, do a little bit of work on the powerpoint, play counter-strike, smoke break, play counter-strike, do more of the powerpoint, play counter-strike. Lunch ends + last meeting, finish the powerpoint, play counter-strike, present my team's presentation to the class, other teams present theirs *pay attention, of course*, facilitator's 6th presentation, play counter-strike.

Gerek right? *laughs loudly* Some more, what is the tempting part is that the whole school had air-corn. Even the corridors! Since the classroom's floor is carpeted, ape lagi, barefoot one whole day. Hohoho~ Classmates are fun! Very friendly and very humourous people! It has been the first time i had laugh so hard since, yeah. Him.

It's been a long time since i had last saw him. Well, i had still been contacting Hafeez every now and then. Sometimes we do meet. He understands my situation and am glad that he is always there for me. (: He listens to every problem i have been facing. Family, him, pain. Thanks Hafeez. (:

Have a feeling that he has move on. And you know the three times that my plan had been terminated? Yeah. I have decided to keep everything bottled up. Again. I do not want to risk any messy situations again. I keep making mistakes. I guess i now understand and know what Nashri means when he said that. I kept repeating mistakes. This time, keeping everything bottled up, hopefully i won't be repeating mistakes. For everyone's good. His good. And mine.

Well, there is 'kendarat' on the 6th June. Hopefully, my poker face is still on. I just do not want to trouble people any longer because of my problems. Honestly, definitely would be feeling nervous still. But confirm will crack jokes with Zul. *laughs*

Again.

2009-05-01T20:44:00.003+08:00

Well, called him just now to ask for help in telling the rest since his number is the only one that i knew by heart. He sounded unhappy that i called him. You know, like those 'tak kuase nak layan kau.' kind of tone. I choked on my words and my voice suddenly went high-pitched (in a shocked way) after i realised that he actually didn't want to talk with me. Thought that i wanna talk to him after asking him for a favour since it has been a long time. But after the way he spoke, plan terminated. Again.

Am i a burden or something? Am i a burden and the one who always cause trouble and pain towards other people? I guess i am.

The tone of his voice, i can't ever forget. So, heartwrenching.

Jinx.

2009-05-01T20:27:00.002+08:00

Argghh! Fucking lost my hp at Lucky Plaza just now. All of my contacts are inside and i forgot to have a hard copy of it. Sheesh. Am i a jinx or what?

Wanna know what happened? Reached at the POOL ARENA at Lucky Plaza to meet with my other classmates. I had arrived late actually. So, when i had arrived there, they let me play for one round. I took off my jacket-hoodie and placed it aside and also my hp and mp4 inside my bag. All of our bags are being put on top of a table together. Half an hour later or so, we began our journey towards Orchard Cineleisure to watch a movie, 'Taken.'. By the time we reached there, i wanted to take out my hp. But it was not there! Grrrr.

So, off we went to Lucky Plaza again. We searched for it high and low. We tried to call my hp, but too bad i put it in 'silent mode.'. The fucking thing is, when we called for my hp, it is still ringing! And im in a bad mood now at home. My laptop battery is also spoiled. I didn't even do anything to it and it just attached to my laptop. I can't even take it out.

Arrgghh! Okay, i should stop swearing. I should make a few phone calls to tell all of my friends now. *sigh* Oh god, i AM a jinx.

The stars are really beautiful tonight.

2009-04-27T22:31:00.003+08:00

Hohoho~ Just reached home. Continuing today's post then. Today has been quite a calmful day for me after school. *laughs* Met Hidayu at my level's toilet and using the stairs towards the basement and off we went to Civics to use our full-time lappy. We sat there and do our own stuffs with our ear pieces stuffing into our ears and blasted our music.

When it is almost 6pm, Hidayu told me to view her blog. When i read it, i almost laughed. She wrote that she is craving for Pastamania but not enough money. So, a logo of it should just do. Since i have gotten my pay yesterday, im filthy rich sia. Until money keeps dropping out of my wallet. Sheesh. But in other words, i plan to treat Hidayu Pastamania. Woohoo! It's her second time while it was my first time. Her first time is with Yan. And when i had found out that im the second one, my first sentence i said towards her was, 'Chey! Aku honoured sehh!'. Then she grin at me. *laughs* That moment was very funny and a memorable one to remember. Hohoho~

So i go and treat Hidayu to Pastamania where she is beyond shock. I almost laughed at her speechless face. Hidayu, muke tak perlu sak. *laughs* Eat and talked at the same time about everything under the sun. Literally. *grins* At 7pm, we went to outside civics to sit down and chat. I also show her about funny videos on YouTube on my lappy. While me taking around more than 4 sticks? *sigh* My high blood pressure increase. My cough is still not getting better. Oh well. *grin widely*

Saw Yan for the first time face-to-face. *laughs* But i won't play gooseberry, so waved them goodbye and walked off. To where? Towards the Woodlands Hill behind the stadium. Was pretty dark, quiet, creepy and scary. I was alone. But there was 2 people or saw walking around. Like those teenagers couple and so on. Was sitting and lying on the rock where me and the PPIS friends hang out at.

What i was doing there all alone on the hill where no one is around? Like i said earlier. I was watching and gazing at the stars. The stars look pretty and beautiful tonight. It shines and sparkles brightly. It never fails to cheer me up from my stress and make my mind becomes calm and in peace. And i did count the stars. *smiles* Star-gazing is fun as there are many shapes and sizes to see. The place is so quiet and peaceful that i almost fell asleep there. Sheesh. *laughs* Luckily, some mats and minahs are around there, making noise. But around more than an hour or so is enough for me. I think. *laughs* Seriously, it bring my mind in peace. But after that on the way home towards the Marsiling bus-stop, taking 'it' back continuosly non-stop. Luckily, at that time there are 3 left. If not, haiyaaaa.

And i did what i say. I count the stars tonight. And hope with all my might.

I count the stars tonight

2009-04-27T15:26:00.006+08:00

Class is going to end soon in a few minutes time. Going to finish my RJ, evaluation and quiz after class ends, so i can relax after that. After that, plan to lepak with Hidayu at Civics. *grins* But i think she will be meeting Yan at around 7pm. From there until maybe 9m, will be lepak-ing by myself. *sob-sob* But planning to sit at where normally me and Hidayah always sat at; outside Civics there.What will i be doing there?

I count the stars tonight. And hope with all my mind.

A part of a lyrics from the song, 'All my only Dreams.' By: The Wonders
One of my favourite songs. :)

I'll let him decide.

2009-04-26T23:58:00.005+08:00

The month of April. Seriously bad luck sia. No offense to those born in that month. *grins* I mean seriously. Alot of things had happen in my life. And to some of my friends. *sigh*

Family. Mother and sister is against me. Like, what? Yesterday's fight was not even me who started it for goodness sake. Sister was the one who gives me the permission. Then she blame mother. Then at last both against me. I was damn speechless by then. A puppet who is being control and become the 'punching bag' towards them. Sheesh.

Kendarat today was smooth-sailing. More people were present then yesterday. Yesterday was only me and Azhar. And me carrying a tray on my shoulder filled with stacks and stacks of plates, let me to show-off how strong i am. Hohoho~ *laughs* *show muscles* Today's one was okay since there are more of the kendarats. But the most hated part of all, i fell down the stairs. TALL stairs. Ter-golek-golek, rolling-rolling pulak tu. Geez. The consequences, hurt my backbone for don't know how many billion times. *sigh* Im not even surprised if i may be paralysed one day. Okay, i should stop cursing myself. Sheesh. *grins* Aini's wallet was also stolen by someone. Seriously, April sucks. *sigh*

Yeah, i was actually planning to talk to him today after kendarat. But, he was not in sight on the way to CCK mrt. Next plan, talk to him when we reach under KB's block. But i change my mind. Cause on the way going down the escalator at Marsiling mrt, heard that he asked for a girl's number. Plan terminated.

Actually, plan to explain to him my part of the story on why i didn't contact with him a few months back. If there is a possible or a chance, maybe, maybe i tell him how i feel too. But after what i heard, i change my mind. I mean, come on. If he already likes another girl and is already happy, why should i intervene and spoil them, right? Right. So, i give up. If he is happy now, i'll let him be. I guess we are only friends or buddy now. I don't know. I'll just let him decide.

A stab.

2009-04-23T11:44:00.000+08:00

Was pretty shocked by what i see and understand at what he say in MSN. It's blunt. Too blunt actually. And gosh, yes, i had gotten a stab. Was hurt, dissappointed and sad. But. I just can't believe my own friend did that. *sigh*

High fever.

2009-04-21T12:06:00.000+08:00

First day of school yesterday was damn fun. My teammates are the best and the funniest. They include Justin, Rachel, Rebecca and myself. We talked and laughed most of the time.But hey, at least we get our job done. *grins* Presentation was a nightmare, stutter alot. *sigh* But luckily, we all managed to get through the teacher's and other classmates's question. So, lucky, lucky.

But the unlucky part is that right before lunch, i had come down with a flu, but it leads on to become a fever. *anime tears* I was sneezing, wheezing and coughing all day long. Taking 'it' doesn't make it any better at all. *laughs* But, oh well.

Today, woke up and having a huge migrain. Plan to skip school actually, but it was just the second day of school. Off to school with Hidayu in my parents car as it was raining. Went to 7-eleven and bought 2 chocolate buns, milk tea, panadol extra and 2 packets of orange juice. *slurrpp* But even though i have taken the panadol, i still felt like fainting, my nose had become like 'Rudolf the red nose Reindeer.'. Rubbing here and there. Im not surprised if i might have an abrasion on my nose. Geez.

And now, having mathematics in class. The game and problem solving is very hard to understand. And my high fever is not helping one bit. But now during lunch time, at least i manage to do my part in finding all the shortcuts in the algebra thingy. My brain is going to blow up soon. Hohoho~

But, but! Last night, i get to text him! *grins* Was relieved that he replied. Cause i thought that he would ignore it. But im glad. It brightens up my mood at least a little bit. *smiles*

Im the happiest girl alive. ;D

2009-04-19T00:42:00.000+08:00

Friday's orientation sucks like hell. But the only great thing is that we know who our classmates are for the first semester in the morning. Went to home base after that. And oh-my-god! Very lepak-ing man! But it's only for around one hour or so. After that those crap cheers came up and do the huga-shaga thing. *sigh* Lunch is the best part. Eat nasi padang! *grins* After lunch, we have to do those 'domino ribble' thingy, which i seriously do not understand. All the way until 3pm it was so boring that me, Shukri and Diniy cabot the orientation. Really man, until one part, i was accidentally sleeping. Sheesh.

Off i went at 3pm with those two. Diniy suddenly went missing. *sweatdrop* Shukri then send me to Yew Tee MRT to meet with Hidayat. Met with Hidayat and we went to PPIS. Miss that place. *smile* At night met with Mizan and Hafeez and lepak-ed for awhile. *grins*

Just reached home from Hidayat's birthday party at 12.30am in the morning. *grins* Heeee. And boy, it was damn fun! Reached there around 8.45pm and the PPIS crew is already there. Salam here and there and went into Hidayat's room where there were only Ayid, Haikal, Yasir and myself. Crack jokes here and there as well as using both computers and the television. Bill naek oii! *laughs* But overall, it was fun. Even if me and Ain are the only girls there. *anime tears*

And i feel like the happiest girl alive. Was smiling all the way. *smile widely* Felt damn nervous while being inside the taxi. I mean, come-on. The person you have feelings for is just beside you for goodness sake. So, just occupy myself with the Doraemon comic Hidayat lent me, but that was not a good idea. I turned green. Literally. *laughs* But then, even if it was less than a minute, i was happy and content with just holding his hands and hugging him. Sshhh. Okay, enough Zakiyyah. Just shut up. But i can't help it. *grins* ;D

A permanent scar.

2009-04-16T01:00:00.000+08:00

Didn't realise that it was nearly 1.30am in the morning. Hohoho~

Today's orientation was damn oh-so-duper fun! Play those amazing race while touring the school at the same time. My god! Very hard to memorise the places in the school. Got so many secret passageways man. Cool! I have some exploring to do when school starts next week. *grin widely*

Finished sending Hidayu to the back of civics to meet her *ehem-ehem*. It was nearly already 7pm at that time. And met Hidayah at our usual place in front of civics at around 7.45pm. Since it was just the two of us, we talked about alot of things under the sun. About one topic to the other. It was almost random actually. *grins*

There was a point that we were silent for a moment. I hesitated to tell her something that i have been thinking of doing. And when i told her about what i had been planning to do during PPIS camp at night between 12 midnight and 1am in June, she outright say that she forbids me to do it. No, she was not angry. She is just dissappointed in what i will be doing. That im doing IT. What will i be doing you ask? Well, lets just say, it includes a lighter, a metal star, permanent damage and permanent scar. For what you ask again? To remove the pain by using pain. Hohoho~ SO, if you see me missing in that 1 hour, you know what i'll be doing. And Dayah, i already told you where i will be, so you can find me there if you're finding me. But please, don't tell anyone what i'll be doing, and where i will be.

And yeah, later after the orientation we'll discuss about our East Coast/Sentosa this Sunday okay? Hohoho~ Can't wait to shout at the beach man! ;D

PS: Hidayu and Rais. Update your blog! Heeee. ILY BFFS! ;D

Movies.

2009-04-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

Knowing
Causeway Point - 2.15pm, 4.40pm
Vivocity - 4.40pm, 6.20pm
West Mall - 4.50pm

The Unborn
Causeway Point - 1pm
Vivocity - 4.45pm, 9.20pm
West Mall - 10.20am
Kallang - 2.30pm, 4.20pm, 6.10pm

The Shinjuku Incident
Causeway Point 2.30pm, 4.30pm
West Mall - 2:00pm, 2:30pm, 4:20pm, 4:50pm, 6:40pm
vivo - 4:00pm 4:20pm 6:40pm

Hohoho~ Let me guess. You are wondering why am i posting movie showtimes, right? *laughs* Actually, the reason is simple. I have the sudden urge to watch movies! Esspecially those titles that are stated above.

Those places are the ones that i prefer to watch at. Wanna know what? Causeway point, most of the timings are just right. An additional, can play arcade after that or just use my lappy at civics. With a mocha frappe of course. *grins* West Mall, less people there. Mostly less than 50% are present. Gerek uh! Heeee. Can lepak there you know! Hohoho~ Can even put my feet on the chair in front. *ehem-ehem* Couples buat ape aje kat sane eh. *laugh evilly* Vivocity, the place is super big with the super big screen! And the best part of all. The chairs are oh-so-comfy. Very soft and cushy. And it is very nice to cuddle in. *smile widely* Kallang, memories with those 5 best people! Hohoho~ And a very stupid moment too. I never bring my jacket. *sweatdrop*

So, those are my reasons. Honestly, i wanted to watch those movies on weekdays so it would not be so expensive. But due to orientation in RP from tomorrow until Friday, weekends are my only option. *sigh* Well, school is going to start next week. I won't be having time to watch movies when that happens. I'll decide the place maybe after those 3 days of orientation. Wooooo!

Anyone want to join? The more people, the merrier. ;D BUT! It would be expensive. So, BEWARE! Join me at your own risk. *laugh evilly*

PS: Hidayu and Rais. Ready for tomorrow's orientation? Hohoho~ ;D

Sick, sick, sick.

2009-04-14T16:06:00.000+08:00

Ohh man! Sneeze here, sneeze there. Cough here, cough there. Wheeze here, wheeze there. Guess what does that sound. Yes, im sick. *growls*

And it doesn't help that i tossed and turn in bed at 4am. Sheesh. Can't sleep man. And what do i do from dying of boredom? Read my beloved comics of course! Hohoho~ Detective Conan and Doraemon comics.My favourite. *grins* And of course his comics. Read all of them and luckily by the time, it was the last comic that i manage to read, i was already sleepy. So, of to lala-land.

In lala-land, i dreamt that there was caffeine everywhere. HEAVEN! *laughs* I think that's the best dream. Can get any caffeine i want. Woooooooo! If possible, i want to stay there. I'll be happy. Why? I have all the caffeine that i want of course! Hohoho~ Another dream was about him. Very strange actually. I dreamt that he called me then started talking about Azhar and my blog. But i don't know what he was talking about. He was like mumbling. Oh well, it was just a dream right?

When i woke up, again, guess what? I found drool crawling out of my mouth onto my favourite pillow. Heeeee. *grin sheepishly* What? It was common for goodness sake! Don't tell me you had never drool before, right? Sheesh.

And thats when i found out that i am sick. Im dying! *whine* Literally. *laughs* I want chocolate. I want strepsils. I want caffeine! But nevermind. I barely have any energy to go to the shop. But, but! I have my lappy for comfort. *grins*

Tomorrow is the orientation day at RP. Must be there at 9am. *anime tears* My routine of sleeping late or never sleep at all is going to end soon. Will miss those 6 months that had past, alot. New school, new teachers, new friends. I am abit nervous. I barely talk, only listen. I wonder how on earth im going to make new friends there. *sigh*
Sometimes i wonder, where is he when you need him?

I snap.

2009-04-13T14:56:00.000+08:00

Dayah2. Ambek tak blang orang eh. Hohoho~ ;D

Way in the wee hours in the morning just now, all hell break lose. Words that aren't supposed to say or hear, was said and heard. That was the time. The time. The time that i finally can't take it anymore. The time that i finally snap.

Reached home at around 11.30pm from somewhere. The incident before i reached home had made me feel useless. I promise her that i helped her solve it. But i never did. I can't. I already tried. And in the end, it seems that i make it worst. Useless. Your useless Zakiyyah.

Cried all the way home. Met with sister and brother at the ramp. Just took the first step into what i use to call a 'Home Sweet Home', and my mum started shouting at me. The usual things she called me. I won't say it any further and letting you all know. It's just too, disturbing. Let's just say things that time had taken a few notches higher. Okay, i lied. It had taken alot of notches higher. And when i say alot, i really meant it. Alot.

And when i finally can't take it, i breakdown. I snap. I shouted that i can't take it. And the story goes on. When it ended, the first person i wanted to confide in, was him. Those numbers are already displayed in the screen, only to press the green button. But then, when i think about it. I have second thoughts. I mean, confirm he will like, 'Aik! Nape aleh-aleh call?'. Thats the first thought i had in mind.

So, at last, the person i called was Azhar. Sobbing continuously, explained the whole thing. Then he decided to bring me to Bedok to let it all out today. But i opted differently. Just say 'Tak payah jaoh-jaohlah. Agaknye kat daerah kau aje dah boleh.' Then off we went to Woodlands. To some hill actually. Told him a part of it, and we brought K.B and Mizan as they were from school. Then brought Hafeez. Continue the rest of the story. Then at night, then brought him.

At some point, he laughed at Azhar. Which lead the rest to laughing as well. His laugh uh, very contagious you know. *grins* It makes me laugh as well. But luckily i manage to held back. I guess i will feel 'paiseh' if he knows that im laughing just because of him laughing. Okay, sshhh. Heeee. *grins* And i will definitely feel paiseh if he knows about this. Hohoho~ So, sshhh.

And i didn't know missing him, his hugs, hurts so much. I guess i feel afraid to talk to him. Because, you know, he is very unpredictable. But i guess, i did too many mistakes by accidentally saying the wrong things. Right tam?

And yeah. Azhar told me to text him a 'Goodnight.'. Yes, when i reached home, decided to do that. But, the sudden fear crept up on me. Like i said, 'He is very unpredictable.'. Sometimes though. *laughs* I mean, i was actually afraid of what he would reply to me. So i just told Azhar to say it to him for me. *grins* But i guess, i would never know what he would reply, if i did text him a 'Goodnight.'. Damn my fears.

PS: Pictures above are from the event at Tampines Mall last Saturday. Enjoy! ^-^v

Hidayu and Rais. IMY! ;D

A very Good Friday.

2009-04-10T16:08:00.000+08:00

Today was a very Good Friday. *grins* Ayah and ibu had invited Atok Murshid and some of the others over to our house to eat lunch after their Friday' prayers. But ohh man! I woke up late, around 1pm in the afternoon! *anime tears* But luckily, they had arrived around 2pm. I had time to clean myself up. Heeee. ;D

After serving them, it is my job to become a cameraman. But in my case, camerawoman. Hohoho~ *grins* Snap here, snap there, snap everywhere. *laughs* And i think my dad's handphone camera had loads of pictures. But i upload only a part of it. ^-^v After eating, Atok Murshid told us about the recent news happening around the country regarding Islam. Which was very entertaining might i say. Ilmu tau! *laughs* Im glad i am the one lucky few who get to meet this person. And im glad i know him since i was young. There is still alot that i did not know about Islam and i still want to learn. Insyallah, from him.

Well, well, well. Tomorrow the PPIS event will be held at Tampines Mall. Going to be crowded and hectic there. Hopefully i can get to do my job well without any trouble. If possible or even if i have, i will post some pictures too. *wink, wink* But i guess the most thing that i want to do is to talk to him like we always do. Or if possible, hug him. For at least a minute. I'll be the happiest girl alive. Sshhh.

Cry.

2009-04-07T23:25:00.001+08:00

It was just a few minutes ago. Fighting. All hell break lose. Words that are meant not to hear, was heard. My family. Is falling apart. Is really falling apart. One keeps blaming the other. I can't take it. It has almost been a month. I didn't even realise how i manage to get through it all. Maybe due to always going out and be with my friends to avoid the tension by having less time with them. I just came to realise i became distant. But not to the extent until ignoring my friends. Sheesh. They are the best. And my medicine. *smile* They are the best distraction from all the fighting at home. But why must i be the target. Why must i always be the victim. It's just, too much for me. Too much.

I want to cry. I want to cry until no tears are left behind. I want to shout. I want to shout until my voice is hoarse. Until my lungs hurt that i can't stand it. But, i can't. He told me (while we are still close though) that crying doesn't solve anything, and it won't change a single thing. And he is damn right. But i want to. I want to. The pressure is too much for me to handle. I want to cry. But no one is beside me.

Im sorry.

2009-04-07T01:20:00.000+08:00

Hohoho~ Went with these two best people to Bugis to find clothes. For the first time in my life, i saw Rais became green on the bus. Literally. *laughs* We went to KFC to have our lunch first. And since i got my pay last Saturday, i blanja them what they want. At the same time, explaining why i did which also includes, 'bapak aku kate, kalau kiter ade duet tu, blanje orang so that both you and the other party get berkat. Amin.'. At which they show a (O.o) face. *grins* But im happy though. Im ikhlas from the heart. And again, your welcome my loves! ;D

So, off we went to Bugis market. By the time we set off from KFC, it was raining. *anime tears* But nevertheless, we had fun chit-chatting and shopping. Hidayu bought a pair of this cool-looking watch, as for myself, 3 set of shirts and Rais, well, nothing. But all of us do bought a 100g bag of famous amos cookies. Yum!

Around 3.45 we left to Bukit Panjang to go our separate ways. But i of course, have another mission to attend to. *mission impossible theme song* Going for a meeting. *laughs* Met azhar at the bus-stop at lakeside at 5pm. We somehow discuss about the details as we move along to the centre. As the meeting started, there came Hafeez. Late. *laugh maniacally* The meeting can say was simple and easy to follow through. So much details to remember. *anime tears* But my position was to takecare of the 'photography and autograph' section of those mediacorp artiste. Cheh!

After the briefing, went to coffee shop with Azhar and Hafeez. They're hungry. *sweatdrop* I was bored. So i started to explain the same thing that i explain to Hidayu and Rais. 'Bapak aku kate, .....' *laugh evilly* Just when i was explaining half-way, they started to, 'Hmmm!' then looked away. But they are very funny. Can't help but to joke aound with them. Hohoho~ ;D

Set off in-front of the CC to chit-chat for less than 2 hours. It was fun! Talk about alot of things. I get to know details about him from them. And wow. I was shocked. But at the same time, this weird feeling goes stronger. What does that mean? After both told me everything, i then realise that it was i, who was in the wrong. I misunderstood his actions. But i did apologise before. So, what now? And even if what Hafeez say it's true, im not sure about it. I need prove and evidence to confirm that it's true. When i have those, i will then believe it.

But, i miss him.

2009-04-05T21:52:00.000+08:00

Psst. Psst. Guess what happened yesterday?

After 2 weeks of rotting myself at home due to having no functions at all, at last yesterday there was one, thank god! I thought that i almost suffocated due to the tension at home these past few days. Im getting restless just thinking about it. *sigh*

Since im the only one that lives around Bukit Panjang among my 'Ikut Rasa Service' crew, i was to go to the venue of the function itself alone. The rest of them lived in Woodlands, so they took a bus to the interchange and took another bus there. As for me, as soon as i arrived at Bukit Batok Station, i was lost. I can't even find the interchange for goodness sake! Geez. How pathetic can i be. So, the only option that i can think at the moment of my panic-mode is to call the superhero 'Nashri' *sweatdrop* to ask for the appropriate directions. Don't even ask why i call him that. *deeper sigh*

Investigate which bus i should take to the venue. Took the 'feeder service' 945. Just took one ride and the block 250 is clearly stated, since i have checked the bus route and map at the interchange earlier and that is the closest block that i can find at the moment. So, i dropped there and try to find block 230, where the venue is. And voila! I was lost. One moment, i was at block 243, which i was relieved that i was somewhere nearer. But when i walked to the next bend, another voila! There it was. Block 272. *pulling hair out frustratingly* I was frustrated. And tired of walking. And my legs are killing me, that i gave up and called Azhar for help. He help of course. *grins* But of course, with a price to pay. Walking under the sun. Again.

By the time i reached there, was perspiring and feeling faint. But i can't back-out from working since i had already arrived. So off i went and work, work, work. Then, guess who i met there? Imran! *laughs* While cleaning off tables as usual, a person wearing a green baju kurong was standing in front of me. I thought he look familiar. When i say, "Imran?', he turned, and he was surprised to see me working there. Hohoho~ We talked and chit-chat for a few minutes, asking which ite, which poly, where he work, where i work, (obviously i was working at the moment! *laughs*) and so on.

What? Oh yes. I did saw him. But i never talk to him, i never even eye-contact with him as we work. Even if we did, i just answer with a grunt or just a one-worded answer; or just look away or at something else whenever we accidentally eye-contact. (In my case, yes accidental.) Well, what can i say. He avoided me in the past. So im helping him by avoiding him as well so that he doesn't need to do all the work. While working, for a moment, i thought he was looking at me. Or maybe it was just me imagining it. *sigh* Just forget it, Zakiyyah. Just forget it. Even so, it won't be the same anymore. But, i miss him.

Gym again. ;D

2009-03-30T21:44:00.000+08:00

Was kinda tired today. I guess it's because of me not sleeping for almost more than a week. I've been suffering from kinda like an insomnia. *sigh* My dosage of caffeine have already raise up a notch. Triple the notch is what i mean. That means have to drink at least three cups of caffeine.*deeper sigh* If not, i'll be dizzy and the worst thing that i hate the most, getting a huge migrain. For what you say? For a lack of caffeine. *smile wryly*

Help me? Before i have to raise a few more notches of caffeine.

Went to the gym again today with Rais. Getting the hang of exercising already since this is the third time im going to the gym. Well, it will be a routine that i will be doing on every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. But Hidayah and Syaza, sori i can't jog with you two yesterday. My dad never let me out. Next time perhaps? I'll be there. :D

So, wanna join anyone? You are most welcome. ;D

The bond is officially broken, today.

2009-03-29T00:27:00.000+08:00

Some of the P.P.I.S volunteers, had volunteered to become a part of the (OYG), Olympic Youth Games for 2009. The first meeting was today. It supposed to start at 8.30am but in the end it started at roughly a few minutes past 9.00am. Which was because some of the volunteers had arrived late. That includes us of course. *laughs* with *grins*

The first part was just a brief-through about the OYG this year and explaining on what us volunteers should and should not do. The lecture was not too draggy, as the lecturer engages us on the straight-to-point basis. Break for around 45mins and i dissappeared somewhere to do something, *wink2* but forgot to tell them where i was going, which was only one floor down. By the time i was done and went back up, they dissappeared! *sob2* And luckily bump into Zul and sat at a table together as both of us can't find them. By the time we were done eating, we had found them at the back. *grin sheepishly* The second part was a lecturer from ITE Clementi. His lecture uh, too draggy, too dramatic and too elaborate! *whine* And it doesn't even help that i was shivering uncontrollably. Forget to drink my caffeine. I even lost my 10 bucks when i was running to catch a bus in the morning. Sheesh. Can't my day get any worst?

Well, guess what? It did. He was there, obviously, like the rest of us. He doesn't even acknowledge my presence. Not even a simple, 'hello'. *smile wryly* Just idly treat me like i was not there.

You promise. You promise! But look what had happened. You broke it. I apologised so many times when we met on the first three weeks, for not msging and calling for a month. I explained fully to you. You said you understand. And as a result i try to contact you a few weeks later after having enough courage to do so. But you push me away with that short simple sentence. From then on, the more i want to try to reconcile our friendship, the more you're implying that you don't want anything to do with me anymore. I guess you wanted our bond to be broken after all. You even avoid me everytime i was there. Guess what, you don't have to worry about that anymore. I will be the one to avoid you. *sigh* From now on, today, we are officially over.

Your kiss on my head, your smile on your face, your mindset of thinking. You're ~~sunlight~~ a light in my eyes. I miss your breath on my neck when we hug. When we whisper in the night on the beach.
I Didn't wanna want you. I Didn't wanna need you so bad. I Didn't wanna wake up. And find that I was falling so fast. I Didn't wanna need you. I Didn't wanna need anyone. Now look what you've done.

*sigh* When we are close, i become too dependant on him. Too dependant on him to make me smile or even laugh. He can easily understands me. He can even read me like an open book. Now when it is over, the pain of losing a very, very close friend is very overwhelming. Too painful. Sheesh. And now i sounded like i have feelings for him or something. *grumble* Or did i? *more grumbling* Argghh! Nonono! It's wrong! It's wrong! It's wrong! Sheesh! As IF he does have feelings for me, for goodness sake! You're too distracting! Grrr. *growls angrily* Im tired of playing hide and seek again and again. I've had enough of this mess.

You know what, just, Stay away from me.

Stay away from me as far as you can. As far as possible.

Stay at arms-length from me, please.

2009-03-27T18:25:00.000+08:00

Went out with RHAZ again. Went to RP. Again. *sigh* This has got to stop man. I mean the keep-going-back-to-RP-again. School haven't even started and i had step foot inside it for more than 6 times for goodness sake! Geez. If this keeps going on, by the 1st day of school, i'll be bored of the school already. And the step-into-RP-for-less-than-two-times people would be gushing about the school; gawking here and there.

As usual, i went there to settle my CPF application. The lady from the previous encounter was replaced by a coughhandsomecough guy. That time, the lady ask me to print out the page about the still-processing application. And there i am, repeating everything from A to Z about my predicament. *pulling hair out in frustration* Hidayu on the other hand had to sign an uncomplete document. I don't know much about the details though. But heard that she had to re-write and print new documents.

Well, my nerves are becoming shaky as the day that i dread is coming. Which is tomorrow. I guess it will be awkward when i see him. Nervous as hell as well. *sigh* Didn't know how our friendship that is so close, becoming so, strained. Almost stranger-like. Almost, non-existence. *frown* During working time with them though is sometimes kinda awkward. But they are the funniest people. *grins* They never failed to make me laugh or at least make me smile. But with him, *sigh* i don't even know what to say in this current situation. It's frustrating, really. The only people i guess that i am very comfortable and easily to talk to in this situation is probably K.B, Azhar and sometimes Hafeez. *smiles* And if my sisters are there with me, Syaza and Hidayah. *hugs* But with him, awkward and a major nervousness overcame me. *sigh*

Just berdoa that i have enough courage to overcome this kind of situation that is making my stomach churn in confusion.

Friends.

2009-03-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

Today was a blast! Went out with Hidayu, Rais and Afizan to RP to repair some problems and install some missing programs. For me, the what so-called 'Internet error, inconvenience.' and what-not. While Rais had some missing programs when he double-checked from the list of programs. But at last when we reached there and told the person our problems, the person explained that the Internet was common and it was not serious at all while the programs are not missing; instead, it only changes its' name. I was like 'Pfft.'

Went out of the Agora Hall and decided to go exploring. Went up the escalator with the rest. Then suddenly wanted to go to the library, then go down the escalator. By the time i explained that there was an entrance on that floor, we were already on the way down the escalator. Then saying that the entrance at the top was nearer, went back up the escalator. Again. *sigh* with *sweatdrop* PAUSE then *laughs*

We were like the very, very jakon people when we stepped inside the oh-so-big library. When i thought back about it, i found it hilarious actually. *grins* Saw a cafe inside the library itself and we immediately began our jakon-mode. 'Eh-eh! Ade cafe uh! Wooo! Ade pool jugak pulak tu!' *sigh* Just repeating it makes me feel more paiseh already. *laughs* This is just one incident. Another incident was regarding slippers. Slippers! Gosh! Can you believe it? Slippers, out of everything. *Deeper sigh* I rather not explain it. It's too childish to mention. *grins widely*

Well, it was not a waste of time for us actually, alhamdulillah. As for me, i had to settle my CPF account thingy after all of us finish having a blast in the library. You know, i know RHAZ. Sshhh. *laughs* The CPF uh, very frustrating and complicated. I rather not talked about it or you'll be bored to death with houseflies covering up your whole body. Haha. Literally! Well, if you do want it to be real that is, CAN! Just stay in the dumpster in just less than 5mins, and WALAH! You'll be covered in black at every inch. ;D

Proceeded to Causeway Point to waste time, but Rais eventually had to go home. *sob-sob* Nevertheless, we plan to watch movie, somewhere around this week or next week, and insyallah, we will have an outing soon and meet up again. As we say our goodbye's and takecare's to Rais, went to have our dinner at Banquet until roughly 6.10pm and proceeded to McCafe at Civics. Help Hidayu in her wireless sign-up and so on. But have to meet her ahem-ahem. *wiggle eyebrows continueosly* with *grins* Left me and Afizan only, and play-ed facebook until my laptop shut-down itself. *Anime tears* It was around 9.00pm when we boarded the 963 bus home.

Let's just say, i had a great time with you guys. Can't wait for another meet-up session. *grins* My favourite part of the day, definitely the whole part inside the library. *grins widely* What's yours? *elbow playfully* with *grins* ;D

Risk.

2009-03-22T22:30:00.000+08:00

Frustrated. Have been having this feeling for the last two to three weeks. Feel like shouting out loud and pulling my hair tightly. But as usual, i don't show it to people. Ever. A habit since i was young i guess. But i wonder how they know, behind my cheerful and happy-go-lucky facade. From no problems to having to manage tons of problems. The pain and burden of finally knowing and accepting it kept my heart and stomach quenching tightly almost painfully. And i for sure am positive that one day, i will snap and break down from keeping everything to myself. Guess what. I'll take that risk. And after having so many experience at receiving second chances and always been backfired back at me, it will be the last chance that i'll take.

What is it you ask? Im keeping my mouth sealed.

Frustration.

2009-03-20T00:06:00.001+08:00

Exactly a month and a half until school starts. Honestly, i can't wait. Been rotting at home until the 'maggots' are devouring me. Sheesh, it was supposed to be funny, damn it. Laugh! Haha. Nevermind.

What have i been doing since the beginning of the end of Os. Well, the first thing any saint person will do after that is of course, finding jobs. Which was really frustrating and hard to find. Blood goes upstairs you know! Get it? Haha. Go interview here and there with Rais and Hidayu. Been doing stupid interviews and applications. I mean, when i see their faces, it shows 'You're not hired!', but they still have the cheek to just ask random questions. Jeez.

At last, with the recommendation from my cousin, abang Farhan, i am hired straight away at Hyatt hotel. It was kinda tiring on the first day. But as time goes on, it was pretty easy. And at the same time, develop some muscles! Yeah-yeah! Haha. xD

A new school. A new life. A new beginning.

That was what i believe in. But i didn't know how long it will last though. I mean, new people will be there. Even though most of my classmates went there, doesn't mean we will be in same class right? I know that i will be scared if i mix with the wrong group of friends. A very close buddy of mine, adviced me on alot of things. He's scared that people will take advantage of me personality. But insyallah, i won't mix with the wrong kind of people.